She Dumped Me

She Dumped Me!

Well damn dude, if there couldn't be any worse news to hear, it's that your woman doesn't want you anymore. Sorry to hear it. But don't worry, you're not alone in this wonderful world of ours, there are many more men like you! So pick-up your mashed lump of a heart and let's move on. At least you actually got a chance to be with her! Some guys get stuck in the "friends" rut for life, and they never get a chance to know the chick they like.

What Now?

So she dumped you and you're at a loss. You've tried asking her for a reason and she gave you none, or she said "I don't love you anymore," or something like that. And now you want to know how you can get her back? Hey, I'm all sympathetic with you on this one, but to tell you the truth, if she got this reasoning once, what's stopping her from doing it again? Honestly, you're better off without her. Now you've freed yourself up for someone more worth your time, and believe me, there's ALWAYS someone more worth your time. This isn't Hollywood, where the chick and the guy break up, realize that they've made a HUGE mistake and spend the entire rest of the movie trying to fall back in love. It's reality, therefore you have to be more cautious. Gawd those movies make me sick. :P

The DO'S and DON'TS of Breakup.

DO NOT cry and show tears as she delivers the news, as this will yield unwanted sympathy on your behalf and give her the ultimate satisfaction in knowing she broke your heart and can brag about it later on to her friends or use it against you in an argument or rumor.
DO NOT launch into a huge argument about why she shouldn't breakup with you.
DO want to kick the ass off the guy whom stole her from you. (If a guy stole her from you)
DO NOT actually attempt this. As it may lead to unwanted jail time with a charge of assault, can't help you there.
DO NOT let the fact that she broke up with you send you into a violent reaction in order to save your reputation.
DO act as if it's "no big deal" and watch her face drop and satisfaction level plummet, as she tries to figure out if you actually ever liked her to begin with.
DO revel in the satisfaction of watching her tear herself apart over it.
DO NOT take her back after this, as it's only to see if she can rip your heart out and draw a reaction. Women need reactions to let them know how they're doing on something. If you show no reaction, she feels like she failed, and you have your revenge.
DO try to be seen with other women in order to drive her insanely jealous.
DO NOT let her come back after the jealousy trip.
DO feel mighty.
DO NOT feel weak.
DO NOT let this break-up control your life. Move on.

I assume no responsibility for any actions you take based on any of these do's and don'ts. So if something goes horribly wrong, or if you're just messed up to begin with, don't come blaming it on me!

Now take me back home so I can cry about my loss.